


Coping

by Tillymint



Category: Holby City
Genre: Adults, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Distressing, F/F, Points of View
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-22
Updated: 2018-02-22
Packaged: 2019-03-22 15:56:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13767489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tillymint/pseuds/Tillymint
Summary: Please be warned this does look at anxiety and depression, may cause distress. Please don’t read if you might find upsetting.





	Coping

It’s hard knowing how you should feel all the time. People always have an opinion about how you need to behave and how you should be. I’m sat here now watching you watching some film on the television and want to talk to you but can’t even find the words to start. I know I should open up to you, I want to but I feel there’s a barrier I can’t break down yet. I know you would understand, I’m pretty sure you’ll have heard what I want to say a hundred times before but I feel it’s different. I don’t want you to look at me any differently. I’m scared, there are times even when we are together that I feel completely alone. I feel awful even thinking that and definitely would never vocalise that to you but it’s hard.   
Life with anxiety is hard. I never know what type of day I’m going to have. From the moment I wake up I struggle. I want to feel free. I want to feel normal, well to be honest I don’t know what normal feels like. I just know what people tell you normal is but in reality who are they to say they are normal and you’re not? I know one thing I would like to for once be able to do anything I want without worrying about other people about what they think of me. I’ve struggled for years with anxious and to be honest self hating. As I sit here looking at you I feel so guilty. Here I have you, a woman I love yet I’m still hiding the main part of me away from you. It’s no fault of yours I just don’t feel strong enough to say my feelings out loud. Thoughts swim around my head all through the day, sometimes they come so fast that I can’t focus on anything else. Just thoughts running through my head, of my past, things I’d change. What the present is like and what the future has in store. If I’m honest with myself there’s times when I think about harming, not to end anything but just for a release. To feel something other than self loathing. It’s not something I’m proud of or want to do. I just need a better way of coping. I need to be strong, I need to stop. I need to let you in. I know I’m not alone but I need to tell you I just don’t know how. I want to let you know how crippling this anxiety is. How much of a struggle I find life every day. How it stops me being the person I want to be. I need you to know. I want you to know. I’m sure if I can just count to three I can take the plunge and start to talk to you. 

“Do you want a cup of tea, Bernie?”

I only managed to count to two before your voice broke my thoughts, maybe next time.


End file.
